How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
