I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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