How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
