Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
