Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
