I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
