Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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