just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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