i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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