mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
