She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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