All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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