if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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