wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
