I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My ass is underappreciated
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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