I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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