The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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