Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
