I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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