Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
