I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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