i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
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He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
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It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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