In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The best revenge is premature balding
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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