I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
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with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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