just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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