It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
