The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
