The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
