i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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