Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
