I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
