I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
