I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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