Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
