so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
