Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
