What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
