My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
