just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
