I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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