I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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