I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
