when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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