My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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