I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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