look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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