In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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