I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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