guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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