the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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