I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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