Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
