smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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