my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
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Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
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But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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