it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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