omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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